Somewhere amidst all the whiny bullshit I’ve posted in this thing for so long I seem to sometimes lead myself to actual tangible and cohesive answers to my problems. Then I come back 2-4 months later and post another one of these as if I learned nothing. Here’s a word I posted almost a year ago that I probably should have kept in my brain every day: deference. Listening to people. Making everyone feel good around me. Not being an asshole. That might have come in handy a couple of times.
Unfortunately, while generally helpful, that word doesn’t answer my problem at the moment. It might be nice for the funeral that I’m going to in four hours on a stupidly small amount of sleep, but even this funeral is not something I’m really bummed about. What I’m bummed about, once again, is family. I’m back in Virginia at my mother’s house, and I’m starting to hope this is the last time. Or at least close to it.
I got word from my sister that my mom plans to have another sit-down with me to talk about life and decisions, the latest in a series of condescending and insulting lectures from an unhappy woman who can’t let go of the idea that money and marriage are the keys to happiness, even when they fail repeatedly. I don’t know exactly how to tell her that her life is one of the greatest examples I’ve seen that those are not good ways to be happy at all, and that the happiest times of my life are those when I see her the least.
I know there’s a thousand teens whining out this same angsty war cry as I write this, but as someone who just turned 28 and is still unmarried and without a steady career or degree, I think I’m finally ready to just let this be my life. I’m not saying marriage and a career are out of the question, I’m just saying they aren’t top priorities. Being happy is the top priority. I believe it’s called hedonism when self-gratification becomes the highest aim in life, and it’s generally looked down upon, but I don’t see any other way to do it. I can’t let life be a chore. I’d honestly rather be dead.
I’ve been playing music for over a decade now. There’s no throwing that away at this point; it’d be like ripping out an IV that’s keeping me alive. I have to keep at it. I’m probably going to be back at this point over and over…unemployed, poor, and turning to people I don’t want to have to turn to for help. People are going to judge me for it. I’m going to judge me for it. But I don’t have to come back to a scoffing mother anymore. I’m too old for it.