I made it. I climbed from debt and eviction in New York to relative peace and comfort in Philadelphia that I had before I left. And now that I’m back to normal, predictably, I want nothing more than to get away from it.
Okay, that’s not entirely true. There are people and things in this city that I truly love, and in my late twenties I’m finally growing to appreciate the stuff I have. More than that, I’ve both learned and come to grips with the unwanted 90s kid fact that I probably won’t be particularly notable or spectacular to the general public. There’s just too many people, and the past 10,000 or so I’ve seen haven’t been anything special, so the odds aren’t too great. Fine by me. There’s plenty of entertainment, food, and places to explore in the world, and I’m actually pretty psyched to have the privilege of enjoying it all.
So what am I bummed out about? The weather, for sure. The darkness and the cold have been eating away at my mood relentlessly going on four months now, and the late shift at my job isn’t really helping. Yeah, I took the late shift. I volunteered for it, kind of, in the sense that I know I’m single and unburdened with kids and have the least to lose by sacrificing all my daylight hours. All I’ve lost is sunlight, self respect, and 90% of my social interactions on work days. It could be worse, I imagine, if I had a spouse or child to worry about.
Neither of those are permanent or major concerns, though. Spring will come around eventually, and I might be getting a new job offer as soon as today, which is exciting and stressful and weird. More on that later maybe. Back to the issue at hand: I’ve been doing late night whining like this off-and-on with various people for over 7 years now, and I haven’t located the thing that breaks the cycle.
This sounds like it’s going to break into a wah-wah-why-am-I-still-alone post, and I’ll admit that thought crossed my mind for a second or two, but I’m being honest when I say that I don’t think being single is the problem. It’s frustrating to see my friends “move ahead” of me in life with significant others-turned-housemates-turned-fiancees-turned-spouses, but I feel worse for some of them than I do for myself because they thought all of that stuff was the answer. I mean who knows, maybe it is for some people, but I don’t think that’s my end-all thing.
I’ve said a lot that all I want to do is get a band of people together and tour about the country with them. It never seemed like too lofty or unattainable of a goal, but at this point I can really feel a goddamn biological clock ticking down to the day where I’m too old to make that dream happen. What then, huh? Hopefully some job at least lets me travel or something. There’s got to be some way to make it work out. I hope. If not, I’ll at least try some place warmer. That could help.